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BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND: EXCERPTS OF FRANKEN’S GRAPHIC PLAYBOY COLUMN
By Michael Brodkorb | May 21, 2008
I can’t legally post Al Franken’s entire column for Playboy released by the Republican Party of Minnesota earlier this week. But due to popular demand, I am reposting the excerpts. WARNING: This material is very graphic.
“I’m talking, of course, about the Internet, which is a terrific learning tool. For example, a couple years ago, when he was 12, my son used the Internet for a sixth grade report on bestiality. Joe was able to download some effective visual aids, which the other students in his class just loved. See, at that age the kids are sponges!” Source: Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000
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“At first I thought it was my imagination, but when Dr. DeVine escorted me into the virtual reality room, she seemed to be coming on to me. She allowed her bodacious breasts to brush against my face as shelowered me into the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000. ‘How does that feel?’ she cooed. I didn’t know if she was referring to the Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two erect nipples pushing through her white lab coat and nearly poking my eyes out.
Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu-Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in the pitch dark, I felt slightly vulnerable but also excited. Sheasked me which setting I wanted. Since I’ve been married 23 years, I naturally chose ‘blow job.’ My chair abruptly tilted backward, and I ‘felt’ my pants being unzipped. If I hadn’t known I was sitting in the most state-of-the-art virtual reality sex machine, I would have sworn that a real woman’s hand had pulled my cock from my pants.
My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier-if not better-because when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed.” Source: Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000
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“I found myself extremely attracted to the vulnerable side of this sexy scientist, and when I offered to comfort her, she accepted, kissing me full on the lips and inserting her tongue into my mouth and moving it around suggestively. Then she reached down and started rubbing my crotch, and within just five or ten minutes my cock was again hard and ready for action.
That’s when Dr. DeVine took my hand in her other hand, and said, ‘If you think VRS is the future, wait until you see this.’
While still rubbing my crotch, Dr. DeVine led me through the Future wing to the Sexbot room. Once inside I was surprised to see a vinyl blowup doll wearing crotchless panties.
Dr. DeVine explained that the blow-up doll was the prototype for the Sexbot, and scientists at the IPS keep her around to remind themselves just how far they have come and how far they have to go.
And indeed they do have a long way to go. The most current Sexbot prototype, Connie, while quite attractive, has moving parts made of plastic and metal alloys and is considered quite dangerous. In fact, as a futurist, Dr. DeVine believes that the first Sexbots to hit the market will result in class-action suits filed by severely injured men.
That’s why Dr. DeVine urged me to forgo Connie and introduced me to Wilhelmina, a beautiful young German-born researcher who, while human, more closely approximates the Sexbot of the 22nd century. Wilhelmina escorted me to a private room with a bed and removed her clothes.If this is what Sexbots will look like a hundred years from now, I envy my great-great-grandsons. We made passionate love for two or three minutes before being joined by Dr. DeVine, who wanted to make the point that Sexbots will be used for threesomes.
I could describe the incredible sex the three of us had, but this is a piece of journalism about the future of pornography and not one of those cheesy letters from a horny reader. Suffice it to say that everyone came several times, except me, who came only once.” Source: Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000
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27 Responses to “BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND: EXCERPTS OF FRANKEN’S GRAPHIC PLAYBOY COLUMN”
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May 21st, 2008 at 11:44 AM
[...] BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND: EXCERPTS OF FRANKEN’S GRAPHIC PLAYBOY COLUMN | [...]
May 21st, 2008 at 12:14 PM
This story fits in perfectly with one of MDE’s overarching themes: if there’s no real news, just make some up!
This was written years and years ago as a joke. Who cares? Meanwhile, Norm Coleman is accepting thousands of dollars from corrupt dictatorships overseas–now THAT’S real news!
May 21st, 2008 at 12:22 PM
This reminds me of the religious right wingnuts who endlessly prowl the dirty book stores for evidence of our crumbling society, and repeatedly air film footage of the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade–all the while rubbing their own crotches.
When are you going to publish excerpts from Lynne Cheney’s lesbian novel?
May 21st, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Say, exposer? If you want porn suited to your own fetish, go buy it yourself. Ya goof.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:49 PM
This isn’t very funny, is one problem that could make it more embarrassing for Franken. Without being funny it just comes across juvenile. I think I get the kind of flat reporting style he was going for, interspersed with graphic-ness but somehow it doesn’t work. The graphicness just kind of plops down and lays there.
I don’t much like the red highlighting of the particularly salacious bits. The red type makes it hard to get in the flow while reading.
That’s right – hard. Real, real hard.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:54 PM
Franken can be real funny, incidentally. He always could and still can.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:19 PM
This isn’t nearly as graphic as swiftee’s link was.
It’s not often you see a guy’s junk stapled to his leg.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:24 PM
sex is fun to joke about
May 21st, 2008 at 6:50 PM
Is there are direct line to the Star Tribune from MDE? Is Michael the new political news director at the Star or is it still his bitch Tice?
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:10 PM
Why are Air America’s ratings so low?
May 29th, 2008 at 7:01 PM
[...] In an update from the Associated Press article that I posted about earlier today, Congressman Walz and Congressman Ellison have also raised very strong concerns about Franken’s Playboy column. [...]
May 29th, 2008 at 10:19 PM
It’s misleading to publish parts of the article without context. You can’t judge the contents of the article without reading the entire thing. He might be critizing online porn. He might be approving of it. I have no idea without reading the full article.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:15 AM
This was pretty pretty darn funny – I’d love to read the whole article. Anyone know where a girl can find an old issue of Playboy? I mean, besides in some moldy old GOP’s drawers?
May 30th, 2008 at 12:54 AM
Holy crap! Where can I find one of these Virtu-Screws??
May 30th, 2008 at 6:23 AM
[...] Michael Brodkorb at MDE has excerpts of Franken’s venture in Playboy; needless to say, it’s not safe for work. As satire, it’s not terribly remarkable, except to belittle the fantasy letters Playboy’s own subscribers might write. He uses graphic language and treats women as objects, which is to say that it fits in with the rest of the magazine and the Hefner oeuvre. The two most objectionable passages talk about his 12-year-old son using the Internet to write a report about bestiality and some references to oral sex, the latter of which has McCollum particularly incensed. [...]
May 30th, 2008 at 7:34 AM
I never thought Travis Smiley was capable of having sex, it’s good to know he can at least do the Virtu-Screw to relieve his aching balls.
That said; the bigger ball he needs to ease is the tax-evasion ball. Let’s hope he can handle the IRS’s Iron Maiden grasp, it’s a real cum-downer.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:44 AM
[...] piece is without doubt salacious, even enormously kinky (naughty NSFW excerpts available here). But one could be forgiven the crime of commonsense, in expecting that a writer tasked with [...]
May 30th, 2008 at 8:49 PM
There are futurists who say by 2025 there will be robots that’ll make women unhappy sexually with human men and vice versa. Who would you rather have working on this issue in the Senate than Al Franken?
I know who I want, a guy who like Al who can at least laugh at himself, and anyone who thinks cybersex is better than the real thing.
May 31st, 2008 at 9:39 AM
I found this far less offensive than Norm Coleman’s ad for a cosmetic dental practice. Love those bright whites above those dingy yellows. Must have been too cheap to do the whole mouth.
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:19 AM
[...] Click here to watch Esme Murphy grill Al Franken obout his graphic Playboy column. [...]
June 4th, 2008 at 1:17 PM
[...] Last week Representative Mindy Greiling came to the defense of Al Franken as he faced criticism for his graphic Playboy column from 2000: [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 9:42 AM
I guess this constitutes humor to many democrats out there. It sounds like he is confused. It sounds as if he doesn’t understand what turns a lady on. I feel bad for his wife and family. If he is so much in la la land to not foresee stuff like this coming out, then he not only doesn’t have the maturity to be senator, he doesn’t have the judgment either. What does he expect?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 PM
I don’t know if you all heard this or not, but Al Franken …. is a COMEDIAN.
Franken wrote this to be funny, not to objectify women. It’s not real. Now, David Vitter likes to illegally pay real women to really have sex with him. After he takes off his diaper (no joke). Ya’ll know about Larry Craig messing around in public places where children frequent. And what about Mark Foley, who took advantage sexually of underage boys who worked for him in Congress?
But yeah, a comedic article in Playboy magazine involving a fantasy threesome and futuristic cyber-blowjobs are what you should really be upset about.
December 26th, 2008 at 11:10 PM
All I can say is “Stupid, desperate, opportunistic republicans”.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:51 PM
After reading this, I find myself even laughing harder at those of you who thinks a man like this qualifies as a US Senator/mentor/ambassador/public servant. You must have an IQ of about 50 to find this stuff funny. What qualifies for moral integrity anymore? Al can do all the stand-up he wants, he can write all the smut he wants…that’s freedom of speech. He, however, should not be rewarded with one of the highest positions in our government.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:59 PM
[...] linking it here for all of you who are brave, or just curious, so you can see what now qualifies a man to become a [...]
October 24th, 2009 at 1:34 PM
[...] wrote the following (no fair peeking!) “I’m talking, of course, about the Internet, which is a terrific [...]